Promoting Peace.

I've just ran head first into temper tantrum land.  Recently we battled to leave the house.  She was unimpressed with her outfit, and by unimpressed I mean raging on the floor screaming for her pink pants which was confusing because she had her pink pants on.  But they were the wrong pink pants.  I have peace on my mind, but it was justice I was thinking about in that moment. 

What does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8


I lean toward 'fairness' in umpiring sibling/cousin/playmate debates.  I'm more comfortable with justice then mercy. I tout turns like they're the answer to household woes. I noticed lately that this isn't every mothers go-to strategy. I know a mom who is raising the 3 most exceptionally kind children I've ever met. Recently, on a joint family outing, I noted that when it came to bickering about music or the how to best share the sole water bottle in the vehicle - she promoted peace. While I was busy devising a fair dispute settling strategy she'd already dealt with it by asking one to give in to the other. How does she make this decision? I couldn't quite figure it out.

She is gentle, and they obey her. She has taught them to keep the peace. That sometimes it's okay to give in, fair or not, for the sake of another. In the process she's teaching her children to love, to put another ahead of themselves, to sacrifice what won't really hurt that much. She's a good mom. I could do with adding her peace-making tool to my kit.

After sitting on the question for awhile, how does she decide?, I think I've figured it out. She decides based on who seems to care more. Whoever cares most, wins.

I gravitate toward the justice side, but I've felt God moving me in the direction of gentleness. This means being slower to speak. Choosing my words carefully (difficult for an extrovert), and taking opportunities to sacrifice when it doesn't really matter. Teaching her to stand up for justice will come more naturally to me.  Today, I commit to promote peace in our home. To teach a way of sacrifice when the sacrifice means more to someone else.

Froggy

One day we had potty success.  I think she was as surprised as we were. 

We were hopeful.  Maybe potty training would be easier then I thought.  Unfortunately since then, froggy has gotten the most use of the potty. 

Today I told her she could have a candy if she pooped on the potty.  She was tempted and gave it a good  push or two.  Then she stood up and said "diaper.  no candy store." 

So, no candy store it was and I changed her poopy diaper 10 minutes later. 

Permissive?

We're about to hit the terrible twos. In fact, they may have arrived in a screaming fit this weekend. Will my discipline strategy hold up?

Every once and awhile hubby calls me permissive in that "I'm 80% kidding" way. I maintain that she does not get whatever she wants. Today she had a mini meltdown because I wouldn't take my pants off. Now, if I'd spent the day in my underwear I'd accept the permissive label. What I am is deliberate. I call it gentle guidance. If it's likely not a big deal - I don't make it one. But I'm not afraid to pull out the "Don't You Dare" face when I need too, it looks like this (it even scares me a little bit):


I deliberately use the word 'no' sparingly, but that doesn't mean I forgo behaviour training all together. It's alot more work to enforce boundaries while not saying no. It's the "how about we do this" instead manner of correction. Instead of "no" or "don't" I try to remain positive:

• How about dig in this dirt rather then in my herb garden, Mommy's herbs need to stay in their ground.


• Here, take one one square of toilet paper (rather then the whole roll.)


• When holding an object she shouldn't have I quickly offer her another rather then grabbing it from her while saying no.


• Grabbing anything from her makes her furious. So even if I have nothing else to offer I bend down and tell her that she needs to give it to me. If she doesn't, then I take it -- the fall out is always less intense when I've given her the choice first.


• Will she fall or break my couch if she jumps on it? Not likely, jump away. (and yes, I think she can figure out the difference between our couch and someone else's).


• If she's doing something she doesn't know she shouldn't be doing, I intervene gently. I may even explain why she can't do that. She might not understand the reason, but she certainly understands the, your-not-in-trouble-but, tone I'm using.

With a little effort there's a way to promote boundaries by creatively redirecting, saving 'no' for more serious discipline issues. Redirecting requires a conscious effort and it doesn't guarantee a happy child anyway, so why bother? Because I want her to feel empowered by choice, not restricted by rules.

The other day she reached into my junk drawer, pulled out 2 packs of cards then proceeded to scatter them around the kitchen. I didn't love that. I stopped and considered my response; I calculated the time it would take to gather, separate and count 2 decks of cards and the chances of them coming back complete. Plus, I didn't want her to feel like she has an all access pass to that drawer, where she'd also find scissors and gift certificates. But disseminating my $1.50 playing cards? Not really that big a deal. So I let her do it, knowing that permitting it may bite me later when I have to set a boundary around that drawer. But I decide "to let tomorrow worry about itself" - and that day, I told her to go nuts, throw my cards around the kitchen to your hearts content.

She never did it again anyways. Unless safety is a consideration I don't react strongly (or at all) to a first offense. I learned as a manager that if somethings is really a problem, there will be lot's of opportunities to address it. Half the time, it's not a problem at all.

When I do have to correct a behavior in a more serious "oh no you don't!" manner, I pick one or two at a time. Currently it's: don't you dare hit and, don't you dare draw on anything but paper. Her "I sorry" sobs are heart breaking and defiant all at once but she's never surprised by my response.

I'm willing to accept the tears to avoid anymore of this:

on my kitchen cabinets.

She was born cautious, so I hope this encourages her to think "I'll try it" more often then "I'd better not."